On the night of December 30th I started spotting.
I never once spotted in my first pregnancy with my son and this felt exactly the same as my last two pregnancies that ended in loss. I was sure this pregnancy was over. I had just been through it twice. And I was so sad this baby was also going to leave me. In tears, I had to tell Nico who was snuggling with Javi getting him ready for bed.
The very next day, on New Year’s Eve, I learned my cousin was in the ICU fighting for her life. She was not expected to survive. I was devastated.
In these kinds of moments, when you have no control, surrender is often encouraged. Whether it’s with God or the Universe or Fate, to accept it’s in greater hands than your own.
But I couldn’t accept that. At my very core, I fully rejected surrender. I resisted. Out loud. No, no, no. Please keep fighting. Keep fighting for us. You are needed and wanted here.
Every night before bed we spoke out loud to the baby and my cousin.
And I spotted for 8 days straight. And it was hard. To live. Work. Have conversations. Be social. Be normal. It was hard.
But I was asked to wait for an ultrasound if the anxiety was not too much for me because if the spotting was steady and not worsening, by that 8th day we could try to find a heartbeat if baby was big enough.
So on Monday January 6th first thing in the morning in the cold, we all went in for the ultrasound and for the first time we saw the baby.
And we heard a strong heartbeat!
Javi wanted to hear it again and again, and so we got to hear it many times over.
I do not know why but the spotting stopped that very same day. I can’t say all the worry went along with it. But we were still in this.
And my cousin too fought like hell and on Tuesday January 14th, against the odds, she left the hospital to begin her recovery at home.
They are not always enough, but hope and faith and will and determination are powerful forces.
NOTE: This post is not sponsored. All thoughts are unbiased and my own. All photos and content are property of Lauren Cosenza Beauty LLC.
Lauren Cosenza consults for top brands, websites, and magazines and serves as a trusted beauty/fashion/mom expert, a brand ambassador, an on-camera personality and spokesperson, a creative director, a published editorial contributor and writer, the creator and owner of DIVAlicious®, the creator and owner of BEAUTYfull®, a product junkie and an insatiable style seeker — with a former life at Cosmopolitan, Shape and Bustle/BDG brands. She currently runs Señor Lechuga Hot Sauce with her husband and baby boy as the Co-Founder + Head of Brand.
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